Hand to Earth by Rebecca Brewin

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THE MEDICINE OF PARADOX

To find our innocence is also to find our inner shadows and the experiences of darkness that want to cover it up. The word innocent was described in something I heard recently as a timeless part of our growing selves that gets uncovered when a sense of self returns after a suffering, illness, trauma. It felt familiar to this summer. And from an unnameable before-land, where the words 'any expression of innocence attracts an opposite, the forces of the opposite' help to make sense of a year beyond words.

Perhaps finally some of the fog is lifting. With clear eyes, we see this happening all the time, or feel it in ourselves as certain experiences which seem to eat away at the child spirit we all arrive with, nature itself. A split that keeps showing itself in various guises.

At some time in this pandemic journey it became a growing inner feeling... the split narratives that our culture has been built upon. Many, many threads but maybe two distinct stories that now mask the face of a potential of restored innocence or transparency. Since the end of two world wars perhaps more precisely; we can watch how the languages of patriarchy and New Age arose to get us through a shock we needed to by-pass in order to recover.

But to now be caught in their crossfire, to be buffeted by their powers, is interesting. Because it becomes clear that we are now dealing with what had to be covered up by necessity, and how they have re written the script of tribalism, bouncing off each other's claims; an elite who escape the real nature of our humanitarian journey. A light that belongs to a few people... or I assume to possess in my own opinions and conspiracies.

So the third narrative or way is of course how I inhabit the split in myself. Truth be told not always skillfully. I've roller coastered and played into some of the worst of my survival responses. The more subtle pull is feeling these narratives have somehow let me down and in catching this scent I begin to point, judge. Yet even the energy of poking at and critiquing is somehow to be caught up in them. So the question becomes where to orientate to find a thread into a different story. I have felt onwards into my own split and a statement that seemed simple at the time just sowed a little seed then started flowering a fragrant fruit... 'The freedom to be faithful'.

So yes to be faithful is to be free. A different lens through which to view my own instabilities and misaligned trust. All the wisdom traditions point to paradox being the way through the split. We need to be careful and wise because this is not about polarity. Paradox is a different thing. And its healing medicine is that it articulates itself in our core wounding.

The things we have to face such as betrayal, rejection, abandonment only happen when we refuse to take sides. The labels don't suffice the experience of walking into the split of what are known to be the 'central wounds' of our humanness... And yet the spiritual journey is bound to show us eventually that the way to fullness is somehow to be pierced or kind of broken down by them towards a greater wholeness. The body knows...

The paradox being that wholeness is in the breaking. Finding in the losing. Power in serving. Achieving in letting go of our perfectionist need to be right.

Below is one of the most helpful pieces of writing I've found about paradox, from my teacher-friend Laurence Freeman. Meanwhile an article I've been wanting to share because of its profundity is by James Hillman. He was a Jungian therapist and philosopher who wrote a lot about betrayal.

The language dives into a Christian narrative which at first may seem alienating and at odds with what I'm saying about patriarchy. But is actually universal in its application.

As he says, betrayal carries within it the seed of trust and is vital for resolving the splits of our co dependency, to enable our individuation and wholeness back into relationship. If we choose to trust we will be betrayed. We may therefore avoid trusting anything but this eventually will be a blockage in our journey. So here's the link. I'd be very interested to hear from anyone who gets around to reading it. https://alanashley.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/james-hillman-betrayal/

'To reject or deny paradox in our lives is tragic but also often contains a trace of the absurd. I tried, as gently as I dared, to suggest this to the young person who had tried suicide. Because, unless we can see the difference between paradox and failure, we condemn ourselves to repeat patterns of self-rejection and despair. To see our own absurdity in dealing wrongly with the problems of life can bring us to wisdom.

'We need to appeal to the wisdom that lives deeper than the pain in our soul. As Simone Weil said, beneath our deepest lamentations there is the pearl of the silence of God. Wisdom summons us to endure and bestows strength from beyond the horizon of our expectations. But this is a struggle and we are unlikely to succeed at it if we are entirely alone.

'A spiritual practice like meditation takes us deeper than the observing ego scanning our body or mental states. In deep meditation a power of integration is unleashed that leads to permanent beneficial change in character and behaviour patterns. Nothing may happen in the meditation period but our life is changed.

'Because of the speed and high desire-levels at which we live today we are full of loose ends. Like a badly finished construction job where wires are left hanging out of the wall or gaps appear between the wall and the ceiling, our minds and feeling are scattered with unresolved experiences.

As with the young person I mentioned above who has to relive a childhood trauma whenever emotional loss is experienced, we often don’t know what our loose ends are until a new trauma strikes. Healing is the tying up and soothing of these wounds. It is a work of grace on our natural selves but it is not miraculous....In fact it is ‘your faith that has healed you...'

Laurence Freeman